Do you remember what your parents taught you about HOW to handle conflict?

September 26, 2021

You learned to walk and talk when you were about 1 or 2 years years old and you have not forgotten those habits, you’ve simply built on them. All your behaviors are formed at a very young age and those patterns come along with you into your role as a parent.

Like walking and talking, you learned how to handle conflict when you were 3 or 4 by watching the adults in your life around you handle conflict. And your parents learned from their parents and your grandparents from their parents and so on… You get the drift.

As a kid, I learned to fight back, be right and defend when conflict arose. My ego’s go to move was to PROTECT myself from being or feeling wrong and I brought that pattern into my adulthood, my marriages, my friendships, and my parenting.  The truth is, underneath it all I was just scared. In my mind, conflict meant I was disconnected from someone I loved or cared about and it meant they must not like me.  In my childlike brain, I believed conflict meant I must’ve done something very wrong and I was a bad person.

From that place there really is only two responses available:

1. Defend to the end to protect yourself
2. Give in and Give up

As I said above, I chose to defend. Which was often very messy and uncomfortable.

What is your go to response when in conflict?  Are you aware?

The truth is you will likely not taught how to handle and be with the fears that come from feeling disconnected in conflict and everyone is simply doing the best they can with the level of awareness they have. While the results may often be messy and complicated, no one is doing anything wrong. It’s simply human behavior. These patterns however follow you into adulthood and get passed on to your children and grandchildren if you don’t find new ways of being. 

Conflict is scary and can make you feel unsafe no matter what your age.  We human beings like to avoid conflict at all costs seeking safety, security and control of our lives.

However, our great friend and ally “The Ego”  will try just about any strategy to avert the threat that comes with conflict.

When we feel threatened by conflict our ego believes we have only a few options available to us and based on our nature we pull the most natural response out of our toolbelt seeking safety and security.

As a child you may have learned to yell, defend and blame, attempt to solve the problem, or overwhelm yourself and run away. The trouble is these strategies are designed by the ego to give us a false sense of control and security but do not create the kind of authentic connection we are actually seeking.

Do you know your ego’s signature move?

If you are unaware, you will continue to make the same unconscious choices resulting in a lack of true connection with yourself and your kids resulting in drama and conflict. You may find temporary relief but I assure you that the issue will continue to show up in other ways in the relationship.

These patterns develop early on in life and if you do not bring your awareness to them you pass them on to your kids and keep the pattern going from generation to generation. 

The good news however is that the strategies are learned behaviors and can absolutely be changed when you become aware of them.

As parents, when you take responsibility for the conditioned patterns you developed when you were three, you teach your kids how to be authentic and show up honestly.  This is no easy task and requires a lot of courage, commitment and self compassion.  However, when you free yourself from your conditioned patterns that keep you separate from those you love, you free your kids to do the same. 

It has taken me years to spot my drama patterns and loads of guidance and support. Don’t wait until it’s too late. If you are interested in learning to spot your go to patterns and shift them, I’d love to support you. Sign up here for your free 30 minute coaching session and begin to build your awareness muscle.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher