Why You Should Give Your Kids Permission to Hit

April 17, 2022

Will Smith made an emotionally driven choice based on reactivity. It was not a glowing moment for him and others watching and while we are all quick to judge the rightness or wrongness of his actions let’s not forget that we are first and foremost energetic beings.

Emotions are energies in motion in and on the body. 

As human beings when we get ‘hit’ with a big emotion, our bodies take over (adrenaline and norepinephrine start coursing through our veins) and from time to time we are so triggered we cannot access our logical thinking brain. We go unconscious.

Emotions happen. We are human after all. 

Our job as parents is to teach our kids how to harness the power of their emotions so that they can honor their experience constructively and not destructively.

In my latest Masterclass, Managing your Emotions Mindfully, one parent asked “Isn’t it my job to teach my kids not to hit?  Here is what I had to say about that.

Humans don’t learn in triggered moments. Science reminds us that when we are triggered we are in our reptilian brain – survival mode.  From survival mode, we are only interested in one thing: securing our safety.  The brain is literally offline and unavailable to take in information.

To once again become available to take in information and connect to ourselves, our nervous system needs to be calm.

Here are 7 Parenting Pro tips to shift when your kids are in reactivity:

#1: Do not try and talk your kids off the ledge when they are triggered! 

#2: Start with yourself. Breath and Calm your activated nervous system down first

#3: Re-Connect only when both of your nervous systems have gone back to homeostasis

#4: Report your experience honestly from an open heart and in the first person. “I felt scared when you screamed at me.” “I noticed anger inside me when you kicked my seat.”

#5: Validate their experience, they need permission to move their emotions

#6: Avoid labeling the BEHAVIOR as bad or wrong. “That’s not nice.” or “It’s bad to hit!” 

#7: Engage and Empower your child | Ask them what they think and need to let the energy of their emotion out and how you can support them.

The truth is we don’t actually have to teach our kids anything, we just think that is our job as parents. What is true is that our kids inherently know what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. We simply need to guide them back to feeling good in their bodies so they stay connected and aligned with their highest self.

Staying connected to yourself first is the key to modeling how to BE for your kids.  Remember that our kids do what we do, not what we say.

And give yourself a break, you are doing the very best you can in this now moment. Parents are people too, let yourself be human.

To parenting authentically and not perfectly,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher