Why you should allow yourself and your kids to be unkind

October 17, 2021

When I was growing up I was conditioned to believe that being nice and kind was the only acceptable behavior. The trouble was I didn’t always FEEL nice. There was no space to be grouchy, mean, unkind. As a result I learned to resist & bury all my unkind, mean parts when they arose and judged myself harshly whenever my unkind self showed up. I shamed myself and made myself bad for even THINKING an unkind thought. So of course I wanted to avoid that feeling as much as possible.

What about you? What did you learn about your moodiness growing up?

As a child I was committed to being seen as nice because being seen as mean was not an option in my mind. I became conditioned to not allow my unkind thoughts or behaviors and grew to resist, deny and ignore them so much that I became unconscious to them. On the outside I was always nice even if I was feeling very unkind on the inside. There was a disconnect between what I was feeling and what I was expressing.

Little did I know that I was planting seeds of intolerance in myself that would later come up in my parenting moments.

When I began my parenting journey I was committed to making sure my kids understood how important it is to be kind, damnit! Just as I was taught. And that made sense to me. Of course I want my kids to be nice!

The trouble is I was not making room for the reality of being human as we human beings do have unkind thoughts from time to time. It’s kinda part of the deal.  

And what is true is that no matter how hard you try, you cannot control your unkind thoughts, they just happen. It is so perfectly normal but when you judge these normal human reactions, you create resistance which is the root of suffering.

The thing to remember is that your true nature, your essence is peace, harmony, kindness and love.  And from time to time, because you are human you drift away from your essence. And that is ok. When you learn to cut yourself a bit of slack and bring some acceptance to your human tendencies, you create space for a transformation to occur.  From love. And you teach your kids by example how to do the same. 

I’ve learned a thing or two about my unkind self over the last 30 years. I’ve taught myself to welcome it. That’s right, I WELCOME my unkind self. I’ve become conscious or aware of my unkind thoughts, feelings and behaviors and this is when a shift started to occur in me and in my family. The less I resisted my unkind self, the more open I was to allowing my kids unkind behavior and the more quickly everyone shifted back to their true selves.

My daily mantra is a huge help. What you resist persists.  The more acceptance, the more space for love.

Last week on the blog I talked about a mom who was struggling to parent her mean teen but when mom resisted her teens lack of kindness less, she noticed something interesting. Her teen shifted back to her sweet self more easefully.

In my experience (personal and with my clients)  there is a familiar pattern when it comes to parenting moody teens.

Here is the formula:

• Kid is mean, rude or unkind. (normal human reactivity)
• Parent reacts to the behavior. (based on a conditioned believe that being unkind is bad)
• Kid gets deeper into unkind behavior. (resistance to parents resistance)
• Parent grows more frustrated and so does kid. (further disconnection and seperation)

And round and round it goes.

This is what we do. 

However, you can create something new and shift these familiar patterns but the trick is, you must start with yourself and get aware of your beliefs and conditioned patterns. 

Here is a quick hack to support an easeful shift.

Step 1: Pause and take a deep breath.  I know!  You’ve heard this again and again. This is not new news.  It is, however, worth repeating.  When you pause, and take a deep breath, you create space inside yourself and in the situation and help your nervous system calm down to become a mirror for your child. Whether they are aware of it or not you are inviting them to coherence which will help them to calm down and feel less reactive. 

When you become less reactive your kids will follow.

Step 2: Be aware of YOUR resistance or judgment about their behavior BEFORE reacting. Pay attention to what it is you are thinking, believing or feeling in the moment. If you are anything like me or my client from last week, you likely have judgments like: 

• She/he should NOT be behaving like this! 
• I must not be a very good parent if she/he is behaving like this.
• She/he needs to learn how to treat people!

Judgements are painful. Be mindful not to believe them.

Step 3: Welcome & be neutral. Don’t judge yourself, your kids or the situation. All judgements are normal so the sooner you accept them the more likely you are to dissolve your reactivity.

Remember, all your choices start in your head, with a thought.  If the thought is rooted in fear, you will absolutely choose a pattern that will create some drama. Becoming aware of your fear based conditioned thoughts is the key to bringing more awareness to your parenting, partnerships and all your relationships.

Did you know? Resistance shows up in your body before your mind. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if you knew what you were actually feeling before reacting unconsciously?

If you’d like to build your awareness & learn to tune into your body’s cues so you can shift more quickly and easily to be empowered in all your parenting moments grab my FREE meditation below.

My check in meditation will help guide you to your body’s unique intelligence.

Hoping you enjoy all the moments this week 😉

With gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher

PS: Don’t be shy, do you have a friend who might benefit from this practice? Feel free to forward this link so they can get their FREE meditation too.