When you get blamed
September 14, 2025
In last week’s blog, I shared about a recent fight Kim and I had because he blamed me for something — and I went completely bananas. 🤯
This week, I want to take you deeper into what really happens beneath the surface when you get blamed.
Pro tip: it has nothing to do with your head.
The moment Kim blamed me, my whole body lit up. My nervous system went straight into fight-or-flight. I wasn’t thinking clearly — I was focused on one thing only: protecting myself.
Here’s the thing: it wasn’t logical.
There was no real danger.
But my ego didn’t know that. My brain sent out a false alarm, flooding my body with adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol.
When that happens, the part of your brain that helps you stay calm and rational — the prefrontal cortex (PFC) — goes offline. Clear thinking isn’t even an option.
That’s a totally natural response. It’s my nervous system reacting to a perceived threat.
When you’re in that state, it’s not just your body that’s hijacked — it’s your ability to connect.
Your heart closes, and you are not available to listen with compassion, or create intimacy because your nervous system believes you’re under attack.
In simple terms your body is in a state of fear.
And what happens when you experience fear? You defend against it.
Even though my logical mind knew I wasn’t in any real danger, my body felt otherwise.
My system went straight into fight-or-flight.
For me, the go-to response is anger and defensiveness.
That might not be yours.
Or you might instead just shut down. Go quiet. Retreat.
But no matter what your automatic response looks like, the body always leads the way.
This is simply what the nervous system does when it senses danger:
- Your body reacts before your mind can catch up.
- Fight, flight, or freeze kicks in automatically.
- Connection becomes impossible until safety is restored.
That’s why, in moments like these, it’s not about the blame.
It’s about getting yourself back to a regulated state — so you can see clearly, take responsibility for your experience, and work towards connection.
In last week’s live conversation, Kim and I shared more about this exact experience — and why nervous system safety is at the core of real connection.
Pop Quiz: How well do you know yourself?
What happens to you when you feel blamed?
Do you fight back?
Do you shut down or pull back?
Do you feel helpless?
Do you know what your pattern is?
This is where awareness begins.
Because once you can recognize your nervous system’s default response, you can start making different choices so you can create more space for connection.
And that’s exactly what we’ll be practicing together on September 16th in my Transform Conflict to Connection with One Simple Question, Live Workshop.
You’ll learn how to:
- Catch yourself in reactivity before it takes over.
- Shift from blame and defense to openness and repair.
- Build the muscle of intimacy, even in the messy moments.
Because conflict isn’t about being right or wrong.
It’s about noticing what’s really happening inside you and finding your way back home.
I’ll see you there!
in trust and gratitude,
Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher