When I Upset My Grown Son

July 16, 2023

I upset my 24 year old son who moved out of our family home over a year ago.  

He lives close by and stops by every now and then, but he is officially adulting, working a real full time job, paying his rent and living on his own.

This past week a friend was visiting from out of town.

We have a guest room but that room was unavailable, so when my friend was visiting for the weekend, I had her stay in his room.

I did not think to mention this to him.

He stopped by for a short visit and ran up to his room to find the door locked and realized my guest was in there.

About a minute later I got an earful.

He was not happy and let me know all the reasons why it was not okay that she was in his room.

I was surprised to learn how he felt about his room and how violated he felt. 

And, I got a little defensive, explaining why I believed it was okay that she was staying there and why he “shouldn’t” feel upset etc…

You don’t live here anymore!

I had no idea you were planning to stop by!

It has such nice light and a great view of the yard.

Stop being so selfish! Get over it.

Basically I was gaslighting him.

Here is what I know to be true about me; when I defend, I know that some part of me feels like I have done something ‘wrong’, so I am eager to protect that part. 

I also defend because I am trying to control someone’s reaction – in this case his – I didn’t want him to be upset. 

A very old pattern of mine that seems to come up no matter how old my kids are or who I am in relationship to. I simply prefer people I care about NOT to be upset with me.

Something I realize I cannot control anyway!

Luckily I got a second chance. My friend who had left to visit another friend decided to come back this weekend.

And I had a decision to make. Where would she sleep?

I told her to take his room again, given that she had already slept on those sheets and it worked best for me.

And……..I could feel the part of me that felt scared to upset my son again.

I reached out and told him what I decided to do and why, apologizing for not considering his feelings originally and explaining that it was simply easiest for me this time. I told him that I appreciated him letting me know how he felt about it and now that I know I will consider it going forward.

He understood and was grateful I let him know.

Here is what is valuable to me about this. The circumstances were the same, but the way we both were being was completely different.

I was able to honor my needs and his at the same time simply by honoring his feelings without defending my choice.

In the long run, it’s not about his room at all. It’s about him feeling like I hear him and respect his FEELINGS. Whether they make sense to me or not is not the issue..

When we take the time to honor one another’s feelings we are more likely to actually hear one another and create space for more connection and collaboration.

This is how we create lasting and meaningful trust in relationships.

I invite you to pay attention this week to the ways in which you might defend to protect your ego. 

Here is how you will know if you are defending yourself. 

You will feel right

You will explain yourself

You will try to convince the other person they are not understanding the situation

You might even criticize the other person (you’re so sensitive!)

Remember to simply notice without judging yourself. This is simply an awareness game. You cannot shift what you are unaware of, so paying attention is key.

I am excited to hear how it goes!  Let me know.

With gratitude and love,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher