What my divorce taught me about love (not what you think)

February 16, 2025

When I was six weeks pregnant with my third child, life took an unexpected turn. Not long after, I became a single parent to a newborn and two toddlers.

It was an incredibly hard time for me—that time was not about me ‘thriving’, I was simply focused on surviving.

I put my blinders on and forged ahead because I felt like I had to. There was no time to stop and just BE. I had three kids to take care of, bills to pay, and no space to process what was happening.

The truth is I was terrified.

Now, 20 years later, I can finally look back at that terrified 35-year-old version of myself with compassion. I can see how scared I was, how overwhelmed I felt. 

I can also see how many mistakes I made because I was operating from a place of fear. Which makes perfect sense.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve forgiven myself and finally let go of the judgments I held about myself, my parenting, and some of the choices I am not happy I made at that time in my life. 

That process has been incredibly freeing—not just for me– but for everyone around me.

How Fear Shapes Our Choices

For years, I was incredibly hard on myself. I judged my mistakes and missteps relentlessly.

As a result, I found myself being hard on others—especially my kids—when they messed up. 

My inability to forgive myself spilled over into all my relationships, creating tension and disconnection where I longed for connection, peace and understanding.

But when I finally stepped back and truly looked at that younger version of myself—the terrified woman who had no idea how she was going to make it work—I began to truly feel her. 

And she made sense to me.

Of course her messed up choices and decisions made sense from the perspective of the scared one.

I finally allowed myself to sink into the pain and fear she was carrying at the time, her sense of spinning out of control, grasping at anything for a sense of stability and security.

It’s what we all want after all, right? Safety, Security, Love & Belonging.

When I could see that part of me more clearly, I understood why ‘she’ made the choices she did, even if those choices may have a negative impact on the people she loved. 

I was doing the best I could and I was in a deep unconscious place of fear.

 

The Ripple Effect of Fear

Of course, as I became more aware I could see that there was an impact that I needed to acknowledge. 

Acting out of fear and control had a negative impact on my kids, which then led them to act out of their own fear, and the cycle continued.

My fear of seeing my oldest follow his father’s path drove me to become overly controlling. In my desperate attempt to prevent him from making ‘similar mistakes’, I pushed too hard, creating strain in our relationship as he struggled under the weight of my expectations and criticism.

In focusing on my “easy” middle child’s strength, I failed to see how much she needed me. By taking her independence for granted and overlooking her emotional needs, I unconsciously taught her that asking for help or attention was a burden – a lesson she carried into adulthood.

My guilt about raising my youngest in a broken home led me to over-protect her. By trying to make everything easy, I unintentionally taught her helplessness and dependency instead of resilience.

All these early patterns still lurk today in the shadows, even as we become aware of them. Yet, these ingrained dynamics don’t disappear with awareness alone – they leave lasting imprints that require conscious effort to reshape. 

I began to see that to truly break the cycle, I had to go first. 

Let me be honest – I had no idea where to start. My self-judgments had become a fortress I’d built around my heart, with thoughts like “I should’ve known better” and “I should’ve done better” forming walls that I believed would protect my fragile ego. 

But these very walls that kept pain out also kept me from being truly present for my kids.

The truth is, when you know better, you do better. 

I was actually doing the best I could with what I knew at the time – even if it was far from perfect. 

Yet releasing those judgments felt like letting go of a security blanket I’d clutched for years. Each critical thought was a brick in that wall of protection, and dismantling it meant facing my vulnerability, my mistakes, and my humanity.

 

Compassion as a gateway to Freedom

From this heart-centered perspective, I finally understood what it meant to hold space for others, particularly my kids. 

When their frustration, anger, resentment, and judgments rose up with my oldest – I learned to sit with him non-reatively, because it was no longer triggering the part of me that was judging myself. 

In forgiving my missteps, I could more easily forgive his. 

I knew he was doing his best with what’s available to him in the moment, just as I was.

From that place of unconditional love and acceptance, something new became available to us both.

True connection and freedom to BE our most authentic selves.

If I knew then what I know now.

Even if that time in my life was unfriendly, not ideal and extremely uncomfortable it taught me two incredibly powerful lessons: 

1. What happens when I create life from fear.
2. How powerful unconditional love really is.

Obviously, it’s totally normal to experience fear as a human being, but learning the difference between choosing from fear or choosing from love is the key to creating an empowered life. 

Simply said:

When you choose from fear, you will experience conflict and drama.

When you choose from love you will experience authentic connection and peace.

Today, I am incredibly grateful for all the tough lessons learned during that time in my life that have led me to this new found awareness.

While I don’t always find it easy to make the choices that align with love, I know that when I have the courage to do so, I create more of what I want from my relationships and my life.

This is what I wish for you too.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher