When “letting it go” costs you connection
September 7, 2025
How many times have you heard the advice: “Just let it go. Pick your battles.”
At first glance, it sounds wise. Why stir up conflict over something so small?
It’s not a big deal! Just let it go, “He/she didn’t mean it!”
The trouble is that when “letting it go” becomes your habit, it creates something far more damaging than the conflict itself: it creates what I call, chronic disconnection.
Because what you’re really letting go of… is connection.
Connection to yourself and your needs and connection to your partner.
Kim and I had a moment recently where this came into sharp focus. I felt deeply hurt and betrayed by something he did when he was triggered.
I could feel the part of me that said, “He is super stressed right now and not in his right mind, just let it go!”
That is my conditioning speaking, what I was raised to think and believe.
However, there was this other part of me, stomping and yelling and pitching a fit internally saying, “Oh no! I am NOT letting him ‘get away’ with this!”
And sure enough a big conflict followed.
Watch us talk about what happened here.
After giving ourselves the space we each needed something shifted between us.
“With space, we were able to come back together, hearts open. He could see the part of me that felt betrayed. I could see the part of him that felt scared. And our hearts opened again.”
That moment of repair reconnected us. Not because we ignored the hurt — but because we honored it and our individual process.
We didn’t gloss over the pain. We stayed with it, cared for ourselves, and then chose to meet again with compassion.
And that’s where connection happens and intimacy deepens.
Here’s the truth: every time you “let it go” to keep the peace, you’re making a trade. You trade short-term comfort for long-term disconnection.
- You skip over hurt feelings.
- You deny yourself (and your partner) the chance to repair.
- You settle for distance instead of leaning toward closeness.
On the outside, everything looks fine. But underneath, a quiet erosion is happening — what I call low-level chronic disconnection. Over time, those skipped-over moments pile up and create a gulf that feels impossible to cross.
The truth is: Connection Begins in the Heart
And the good news is that true connection doesn’t require perfection. It requires willingness.
Willingness to pause when you’re triggered.
Willingness to tend to your own hurt or fear.
Willingness to return with your heart open again.
Repair always begins in the heart.
When Kim and I are willing to see each other’s pain — without defending, blaming, or brushing it aside — we create space for healing. That’s when trust is restored. That’s when intimacy grows.
What You Can Do When Conflict Arises in Your Relationship?
Next time you’re tempted to “let it go,” pause and remember to start by asking yourself One Simple Question:
Where am I right now? Is my heart open or closed?
It’s not about letting “it” go, being nice or not picking fights. It’s about choosing not to abandon yourself or your relationship.
This is exactly the work we’ll be practicing live in my upcoming Transform Conflict to Connection Workshop on Sept 16.
In just 90 minutes, you’ll learn how to:
- Recognize when you’ve gone into avoidance.
- Shift from reactivity to openhearted connection.
- Repair with compassion instead of resentment.
- Build the muscle of intimacy so conflict becomes an opening, not a rupture.
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need the willingness to show up, get honest, and practice.
Imagine walking away from the next conflict not drained or resentful, but closer and more connected than before.
👉 Reserve your spot in the Sept 16 workshop here.
Conflict isn’t the enemy. Avoidance is.
Every time you choose repair over “letting it go,” you’re saying yes to deeper connection, yes to intimacy, yes to love.
Because in the end, it’s not about picking your battles. It’s about choosing your heart.
Join me in Transform Conflict to Connection with One Simple Question workshop on Sept 16 and in just 90 minutes, learn how to transform your relationships, for good.
There is no time like the present.
in trust and gratitude,
Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher