Some Real Time Drama With My Son
September 29, 2024
My son was flying home for a weekend wedding about 70 miles away and asked to borrow one of our cars. Because my husband was supposed to be gone that weekend and we had an extra car, I agreed without hesitation. However, things changed—my husband’s plans shifted, and he would now need the car earlier than expected. When I texted my son about the change, he wasn’t happy, as it messed up his plans and he let me know.
Cue my internal rage…
When I get triggered my first reaction is typically anger and this was no exception. I immediately knew I was in the trap of my ego’s need to take control and had some choices to make.
Can you identify your go-to trigger patterns? I teach you how to know when your ego is stepping in for control in my upcoming Masterclass, One Simple Question to Transform Conflict to Connection on Tuesday October 1.
I could hear my righteous self think thoughts like:
How dare he not adjust to the change when I was already doing him a favor by lending the car?
Who does he think he is!!!
I cannot believe his entitlement.
What have I done wrong raising him?
I started spiraling into resentment, ready to fire off a text that would make my point clear. But before I hit send, I paused.
I got still and I sat with my emotions and soon realized this wasn’t about the car. Duh. It was about my deeper, underlying pattern of always putting my kids’ needs ahead of my own. I’ve done this countless times—agreed to something to keep things easy for them, only to feel frustrated when they don’t meet my expectations or show appreciation the way I want.
It became clear that I wasn’t just angry at my son for not being flexible; I was also mad at the part of myself that was not honoring my own needs from the start. This is where my lesson began.
Instead of letting the frustration build and get into a tit for tat text argument, I decided to take responsibility for my part in the situation. I sent a message acknowledging that I often prioritize his needs over my own, and that’s on me.
He responded with appreciation and agreed to be more mindful going forward, but I also realized that I needed to change how I approach these situations.
This experience reminded me of a few important things::
Setting Clean and Clear Agreements: It’s important to establish clear agreements upfront—who’s doing what, by when, and what are the expectations? This goes a long way in avoiding misunderstandings and resentment later on.
Honoring My Own Needs: As a mother, I have this deep desire to help my kids and make their lives easier, but that can’t come at the expense of my own well-being. I realized that I have to be just as committed to honoring my needs as I am to helping them. If I don’t, it leads to frustration and resentment, which helps no one.
The Entitlement Trap: Both my son and I had entitlement energy running through this interaction. He expected me to accommodate his plans without much flexibility, and I felt entitled to his appreciation and gratitude. This entitlement energy exists within all of us, and it’s something we have to bring to the surface and heal, especially in our closest relationships. If we don’t resolve these things in our personal lives, they will also show up in bigger ways in the collective.
Here is one thing I know for sure:
Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it’s always an opportunity to grow. Those pesky triggers are truly a gift and offer you an opportunity to look inward and get radically honest with yourself about your unhealthy patterns so that you can get clear, take responsibility, shift into a more empowered role and create more connection and intimacy with the people you care about the most.
And I know that you want that for your relationships!
For me, this meant becoming radically aware of how easy it is for me to fall into egoic fear based patterns and get reactive, which always causes conflict in my relationships.
While it may seem easy to do, it is challenging in the moment given how your crazy limbic brain takes you completely offline.
Luckily, I learned how to do this the hard way many years ago so I can teach you with a simple easy to use- no fail tool- in my FREE LIVE INTERACTIVE MASTERCLASS, Transform Conflict to Connection with One Simple Question.
In less than 60 minutes you will learn the single most important question you can ask yourself when you feel triggered so that you can regain your composure, create the outcome you really want and feel more empowered in your relationships and in your life.
There is nothing worse than feeling disconnected from the people you love the most. Change that with one simple question.
I promise it will change your life.
Can’t wait to see you there!
in trust and gratitude,
Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher
Annmarie has created a profound learning experience. She shares vulnerably and authenticity, and generously from her own life and her laser-sharp coaching creates an ideal learning environment. I would highly recommend Annmarie for anyone who wants to deepen your understanding of yourself and enhance your relationship with your kids and just about everyone else in your life.’
MEAGAN SMITH HRLE