Where power is first learned

February 8, 2026

I am finding it hard to talk about ‘love’ right now without feeling a kind of dissonance. Something deeper feels required of me in this moment.

Every day, another story surfaces, another “powerful” male figure, another revelation of secrecy, coercion, or abuse of power. It’s impossible to ignore.

Yet we do in so many ways, often out of helplessness, really not knowing what we can actually do to create real change?

What I keep coming back to is this:

Outrage alone won’t change the abuse of power we’re witnessing on a global stage. If anything is to truly change, we have to be willing to look at the power dynamics that live much closer to home.

The truth is, the destructive patterns we see ‘out there’ didn’t begin in institutions or boardrooms. They’re learned in our homes, our marriages, family systems, and in our roles as parents. 

From a young age, we learn about power and control in direct relationship to love, safety, and belonging. We learn what’s rewarded, what’s tolerated, and what threatens connection. 

Over time, these lessons shape how we relate—especially when we feel afraid or disempowered.

When we don’t feel a sense of authentic power, we often fall into fear-based roles that create disharmony and drama. We stay quiet to keep the peace. We manage, accommodate, or control in order to feel safe. These strategies aren’t flaws however, they’re adaptations rooted in a deep desire to stay connected.

So the question becomes interesting to me is: What were you taught about love, power, and control—and what role did you learn to play in order to belong?

You were likely conditioned to control rather than trust, stay silent rather than speak your truth, and cope rather than challenge.

You didn’t choose these dynamics consciously. You inherited them and they became your “normal”.

In my own life, it wasn’t until addiction entered my marriage that these patterns became impossible to ignore. Recovery didn’t just call for sobriety it demanded a reckoning with how power, fear, and control had shaped the way we related to and WITH one another. What looked like ‘love’ on the surface often wasn’t rooted in presence or truth at all. It was often rooted in fear.

That experience changed my relationship to love.

What I have learned is that love isn’t constant chemistry (too bad!) or sacrifice or keeping the peace. Love is what becomes possible when power and control give way to equity and partnership—where nothing is hiding.

Love has strong boundaries, speaking up and standing firm for what you believe is right. Love is being willing to take courageous risks and challenge those we love when necessary, when truth or integrity is at stake.

The thing is, the world isn’t simply going to change because you’re outraged or because you speak up on social media or at dinner parties. 

It changes when you change; your patterns, your beliefs, your behaviors, and the way you relate at home which inevitably shapes how you move through the world.

It changes because you’re willing to tell the truth in your relationships, and in the ways you show up especially when it feels uncomfortable.

Because discomfort is your guide.

If you’re paying attention out there, you have to be willing to pay attention at home.

That, to me, is where real transformation begins.

So I’ll leave you with this question:

Are you staying quiet in order to stay connected?

And does that really feel like love?

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher

PS: If you wonder how power and silence show up in your relationships, I have a short quiz that helps identify your default conflict role. It’s simply a starting point, no fixing required.