I Don’t Always Love My Kids Unconditionally

February 13, 2022

At times my kids can be short-tempered with me. I would describe them as intolerant. I can’t seem to ask the right question and everything I say bugs them. It feels like I just can’t get it right.  

Ever. 

I often experience them as mean.  

And it pisses me off. 

I do not feel love in those moments. 

I feel angry, judgmental, and irritated at them.

I hear my mind say things like… 

• • What is your problem?!? I do so much for you, can’t you just answer one simple question??
  • You are incredibly ungrateful and just simply mean! 
  • What’s wrong with you?! You are so spoiled and entitled!” 

I’m fairly certain you can relate.

In these moments I am aware that I am not in a space of unconditional love. 

I don’t like how they are acting. 

I’m in resistance to what is.

I’m judging, blaming, criticizing, and complaining. I want them to be different. 

This is not unconditional love. 

In moments of resistance and judgment, I become aware of my limits to unconditional love.

I see that to love them in those moments means I have conditions for my kids.

My love depends on my kids behaving in a particular way. One that makes me feel a particular way in fact.

• • Be nice!
  • Answer all my questions with patience and kindness. 
  • Pay attention to me when I want your attention. 

If you do that I won’t feel rejected or judge you or believe I need to teach you a lesson about being kind.

Ironically in these moments, I am the one not being kind — at least in my head even if I’m not acting on it. 

I know what you’re thinking… because I’m thinking it: 

“But my job is to teach them to be kind and nice!”

Yes of course AND our kids do what we do, not what we say. 

The first rule of conscious parenting is that we can only control our behavior, not our kids.

Being conscious means being aware on all levels — not just how we are behaving outwardly — but how we are internally as well. 

If our inner dialog is unkind or unloving you are not able to offer love outward.

Conscious parents take responsibility for being aware on all levels – which means paying attention to your:

• • Beliefs 
  • Behaviors
  • What you say and think 

In a moment like this, you can ask yourself this simple question: 

Am I willing…………… to love it all?

• • Can I love their grouchy, grumpy short-tempered self (and mine)?  
  • Can I love their failures (and mine)? 
  • Can I love their mistakes (and mine)? 
  • Can I love their resistance (and mine)?

This part can get tricky.  Can I love their short temper does not mean “bring it on! I want more of that!”

It simply means can I allow them to be human and have a moment and allow myself the same, without trying to fix it, change it or make it a life lesson. 

And the truth is, at times I notice the answer is no. I am not always willing to love it all. I resist a lot.

And that is ok because I am human too.

And we are all just doing our best each and every day.

And that too is loveable.

To parenting authentically and not perfectly,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher