How are you treating yourself these days?

October 10, 2021

I was coaching a parent last week who was trying to figure out how to get her teenager to be more kind around the house.

Those of us with teens know how that goes.

The thing is we cannot teach what we haven’t yet mastered for ourselves.

Ironically, while this parent understood that teens are inherently grouchy, she remained frustrated with her teens attitude. She wanted it to change! 

I was right there with her. At one time we had 5 teens living at home and being kind to one another did not come easily when stress levels were high and hormones were flaring.

The trick is, what we resist persists and no amount of wanting it to be different is the antidote for shifting any behavior in my experience.

We tried something else instead.

I invited mom to turn inward. To focus on herself where she had control, rather than her kids where she did not have control. What she found was empowering. She realized on some level, she was blaming herself. Somehow she felt like her kids’ lack of ‘kindness’ meant she did something wrong as a parent. Intellectually of course she knew that was not true but unconsciously she feared she was somehow at fault. On some level, she wanted her kids’ behavior to change so she could stop blaming herself.

Now, none of this was happening consciously.  She was not aware of these beliefs and feelings. On the surface she was focused on what her kids were doing wrong and the stress it was causing the family. As a mother that makes sense of course. We all want harmony in our homes and family lives!

Once she was able to see clearly she put her attention on herself.  She wanted more kindness in her family life, so she started with herself.

I invited her to practice what she was preaching to her kids. 

Be Kind.

Before popping out of bed and getting into daily life distractions, each morning for a week she woke up and spent a few moments thinking KIND thoughts to herself, about herself.  She called in the judgmental and critical thoughts and allowed them to be in her mind’s eye for a few moments (they are there anyway, may as well pay attention to them!). Once there she simply added in the kind thoughts she curated for herself and allowed those thoughts to simmer in her mind as well. Throughout the day, I suggested she PRACTICE being kind to herself each time she noticed an unfriendly thought arise.  And let’s face it, we know those creepy judgements are always lurking around the corner.  

Here are some kind thought prompts in case you are struggling to find some for yourself.

• Hey, it’s ok!  You are doing the best you can. 
• You got this.
• You are amazing.
• Look at all you have done this week.  You have worked so hard.

Being ‘mindful’ is not being ‘kind’. Being mindful is being aware of what is occurring. 

As parents and as human beings, we judge ourselves and can be really hard on ourselves from time to time. This is just the human condition. However we do have the capacity, with awareness to notice our unkind ways and choose to be in relationship to those unfriendly thoughts in new and empowering ways.

When we learn how to shift how we are being inside ourselves, we are much more available to support our kids in doing the same.

After just a few days of practice and being more kind to herself, mom noticed a shift in herself. 

While the teens of course were still unkind from time to time, because they are human, she was able to find more compassion and space inside herself for them. By being aware that their unkind behavior triggered her fear of being a “bad mom” she could calm herself and be better able to create a space of acceptance and unconditional love for whatever they were navigating. Because she started with herself and that is empowering.

Bonus results: She noticed when she resisted her teens’ lack of kindness less, they shifted more easefully. Hmm.. More on that next week.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher