Feeling Is Healing

October 3, 2021

 I’m supposed to be writing my blog this morning. I carve out time each week just to write and today, I can’t focus on anything but the pressure in my chest and the knot in my throat. I feel like a vice has hold of my heart and all of my attention is on that sensation. I do my check in and notice there is fear, anger and sadness and my thought is WTF????

 I went to bed last night after reading a text from my daughter who is a Junior in college. She is finally back in NYC, back to “normal college life” after all these months in quarantine.  She shared with me that she just found out a friend and classmate died unexpectedly.

 My head began to spin. And I ran through the options, COVID, reckless drinking, drugs…what?  How does this happen to a 20 year old college student filled with promise and potential?  It turned out to be a freak accident. This wasn’t a foolish college student or COVID. 

 It was a bizarre accident.

 And I found myself angry at that news, and sad, and scared and all the things. And while I did not know this student or the family, my heart aches as if I did, because I know how easily it could be one of my kids and that thought is unimaginable to me.

 In my morning meditation practice I sat with my chest heaving, my shallow breath and my tight throat. I watched my mind do it’s distraction dance, jumping from one thought to another; “how can I help, she must be upset, what about those parents, this CAN’T be happening, what is going on in this world??!!” 

 I watched my mind create all the distractions it knew how to, until I could allow myself to just BE with the pressure in my chest and tightness in my throat and let it be there until I could allow myself to surrender and let go of all I was holding onto and release it with my breath. Shortly after I let go of all the resistance I was holding onto, tears gently began to flow slowly down my cheeks. 

 I was grieving. Feeling the loss, the fear and the anger cocktail that was moving through me. It was all very uncomfortable in my body and I wanted to avoid it. And to be honest I jumped to Instagram a few times, made a cup of tea and texted my daughter while writing this.  I know my patterns, when I don’t know what to do, or how to BE with my discomfort, I distract.  It is one way I feel I am taking control, by trying to avoid said feelings.

 Feeling your feelings is NOT easy particularly when they are uncomfortable. 

 However, learning how to hold space for them is empowering and ultimately freeing. As the tears flowed I could feel my body soften, lighten up and go back to “normal.”  The tension was gone even though the sadness was still there. My body began to soften and my mind became more open. I was returning to homeostasis. 

 I learned how to “hold space” for myself and my feelings late in life through my meditation practice and many years of emotional awareness training etc… I did not learn this as a child at home or in school. No one around me knew how to BE with uncomfortable emotions, because no one taught the adults in my life how to navigate their emotions when they were little.

 Tongue in cheek, my parents used to say, DO what I say, not what I Do.  Truth is our kids do what we DO and never what we say and our job is simply to model how to be by showing up with our vulnerability and authenticity in every moment.

 I know this will be a challenging time for my daughter and I’d like to support her as best I can. I also know that I cannot help her unless I help myself first. I cannot take her pain away, but I can be there for her when she needs me and most importantly I can model for her how to hold space for herself as she too navigates her experience.

 Practicing being real is the gift our kids need from us so they too have permission to BE. Grab my check in meditation to support you in building your awareness muscle.  Let me know how it goes..

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher

“I’ve grown thanks to the safe space Annmarie created for me to open up and share what was true for me, even when it felt scary to do so. And now that I know how to do the work  myself I am better equipped to help others.

Annmarie is strong, courageous, fun and very skilled.” – Monica Callon