Are you mankeeping?

August 10, 2025

When You’re the One Holding It All: Unpacking Mankeeping in Modern Marriage

I’ve seen this dynamic in countless relationships I’ve coached—and I’ve lived it in my own marriage.

After 40+ years of pouring himself into a career, my husband retired—and suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself.

For decades, his energy had been consumed by work. He provided, he built, he achieved. But when the structure of that daily grind disappeared, what was left was… space.

And the truth is, he didn’t know how to fill it.

Instead, much of his attention shifted toward me. Needing and wanting more from me.

Meanwhile, the kids were launching —and I felt like I finally was too. For the first time in almost 25 years, I had space to do my thing.

We found ourselves navigating a new and unexpected dynamic. I was craving more freedom. He was craving more time together. Ironic, I know!

While we’ve been navigating this tender terrain in our relationship for some time now— I’ve noticed the same dynamic over and over again in the couples I coach as we enter mid-life.

Women routinely say to me, “He is so needy!”  “He needs more friends.” He needs a hobby!”

Sound familiar?

So when I came across a New York Times article earlier this week introducing the term mankeeping, it caught my attention.

What is “Mankeeping”?

Mankeeping, a term coined by Stanford psychologist Angelica Ferrara, describes a pattern where women are expected to serve as the primary—often only—source of emotional support for the men in their lives. 

While this might look like closeness on the surface, it often comes at a cost.

As one researcher noted, women typically have multiple “nodes” of support in their lives—friends, therapists, communities. 

But most men? They go to one place: their partner.

This is not just a relationship issue. It’s a cultural one.

Our patriarchal, capitalist system has conditioned men to prioritize productivity, suppress emotion, and internalize self-reliance. 

Friendships fall away. Emotional expression is deemed “weak.” And the result? A growing epidemic of male loneliness and emotional dependency.

But here’s the rub: while men suffer from this disconnection, it’s often women who carry the burden and suffer as well.

Last year at a retreat with Ester Perel, she said something intriguing:

“Today, we expect our romantic partners to be our best friend, lover, co-parent, therapist, spiritual guide, financial partner, and emotional confidant—all in one.”

It got me thinking, “Is this true?”

We are asking our relationships to hold more than they were ever designed to hold.

What I see in my relationship and countless other couples I support is this however:

• Women feel emotionally drained at the end of the day, but keep showing up.
• Women manage their stress, but don’t feel permission to name it.
• Women long to and need to be held the way they’re constantly holding others.
• Women find themselves less attracted, less connected, less intimate—because the imbalance feels like too much.

Over time, this can erode the very intimacy we crave. And it is all happening under the surface. We mother our partners—without even realizing it.

Why?

• We’ve been taught to accommodate, manage, and maintain connection at all costs.
• We’ve internalized the belief that “if I don’t do it, no one will.”
• We mistake control for love. Sacrifice for intimacy.

If you find yourself falling into this category, the truth is, it is not your fault.

It’s how you were conditioned and programmed inside systems that told you your value comes from caretaking, emotional labor, and invisibly holding everything together.

And what I have come to learn in my relationship and my work is that you can shift this pattern.

Real partnership is possible. Shared responsibility is possible. Emotional reciprocity is possible.

But it starts with awareness. With honesty. And with a willingness to do things differently.

No pain no gain?

Truth be told, in our marriage  it has not been easy to shift these patterns, but so far it has been worth the work.

I’m excited to share more about it with you.

For the first time ever, my husband Kim and I are inviting you into a live, real-life conversation about how we’ve worked through this very issue and so much more in our relationship.

We’ll share how we’ve stumbled, grown, and continue to practice not putting the weight of the relationship (and all of life) on one person’s shoulders.

Conflict to Connection: How One Simple Question Can Shift Everything | Couples Edition

🗓️ Thursday, August 21 @ 12pm CT | Live on Zoom
🎁 Replay available for all registrants

We’ll take you behind the scenes of our marriage—and show you how one powerful question has helped us move from resentment to reconnection again and again.

Whether you’re partnered or not, this conversation will support you in seeing the patterns, shifting the weight, and reclaiming your voice.

<<<<<<<Grab your FREE seat here>>>>>>>>>>

Imagine what it would feel like to share the weight.

To be held, too.

To co-create a relationship rooted in true equity, partnership, and collaboration.

If this resonates, hit reply and let me know. I read every message.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher