How to Know if You Are Parenting From Fear

June 19, 2022

As parents and as people we absorb so many ‘shoulds’ from our culture, our families, our workplaces, and our religious communities. These ‘shoulds’ get in our way and hold us, hostage, when it comes to parenting.

I have three kids who are on three very different journeys. Each one has lessons to learn and they all have their divine assignment from the universe. One way I realize I am not FREE when I am parenting is by paying attention to the should’s that arise in me.

At times I hear myself think things like:

• • • • He should NOT have said that!
      • She should have passed that class!
      • He should share!
      • She should not be late again!
      • He should have a job!
      • She should not be depressed.
      • He should know better…

When these thoughts crop up, I know that my ego is activated and I am parenting from a place of fear. I know I’m being run by all the ‘shoulds.’ 

When your mind gets hooked on believing it is “right” you can know for sure that you are about to step into control mode.

While the ego will have you believing the ‘shoulds’ to help you and your child feel safe and secure, I believe your time and energy are much better spent asking yourself ‘what if.’

“What if?’ triggers the right brain, while “you/I should” triggers the left brain or the ‘what if’ brain.

When we step into what if brain, we enter a space of curiosity that opens the door to unlimited possibilities. From curiosity, we expand our minds and hearts and so much more is possible when we are open.  

For example, you can choose to flip the story and learn.

• • • • He should NOT have said that! to He should have said that?
      • She should have passed that class! to She should NOT have passed that class.
      • He should share! to He should NOT share!
      • She should not be late again! to She should be late again!
      • He should have a job! to He should NOT have a job!
      • She should not be depressed. to She should be depressed
      • He should know better…to He should NOT know better.

This week I invite you to play with building your awareness around your “shoulds”.  

Here are three simple steps to get you in the game:

1. Notice when you are believing, thinking or starting your sentences with He/She/They/I should. 
2. Take a deep breath and accept yourself for believing, thinking or starting your sentences this way.
3. Try on the opposite. Flip your thought, belief or statement to the opposite and get curious about how the opposite of your story could possibly be true.

I want to pause here for a moment and remind you that acceptance is KEY.  If you skip step two, you will not be able to truly shift your ‘shoulds’ because you will still be in your reactive state of mind—and that is ok. It takes some practice.

Remember that being reactive is just part of being human and you are human after all, and you were one long before you became a parent.

🙂

To parenting authentically and not perfectly,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher