How to Shift Your Inner Temper Tantrum While Your Kids Are Melting Down

December 12, 2021

The server crashed just as she sent in her college application causing my daughter to have a meltdown {see last week’s blog post 😏 HERE}, I was immediately reminded of her 2-year-old self.

Back then she melted down all the time. 

And so did I.

I had no idea how to deal with her tantrums and meltdowns. To be honest her meltdowns scared the sh*! out of me and sent me right into control mode.

And this is where the problems started.  

Let me be clear:

The problem did not start with her tantrum. The problem started with my reaction to her tantrum.

• • • • It started the moment I believed something was wrong.
      • It started when I believed she needed to change.
      • It started when I resisted her behavior.

Now hang in there with me… I can hear you thinking, “What do you mean!?  She shouldn’t have tantrums!  Isn’t it our job to teach our children how to behave?”  Yes, yes of course that is one of the roles we play as parents but remember: 

Our kids do what we do NOT what we say.

When I stepped into resistance I unconsciously allowed fear to take over.  

• • • • I believed I was being a good parent.
      • I believed she needed to learn.
      • I believed tantrums were not an “ok” behavior.

Becoming aware of how we react to our kid’s reaction IN THE MOMENT is the key to influencing our kids’ patterns of behavior so that they don’t grow up to be out of control at 17, 27, or 47 years old.

When I resisted my daughter’s tantrums, I was unconsciously sending a few messages that she was internalizing like:

• • • • Her experience was not welcome = She is not welcome.
      • Her behavior was bad = She was bad.
      • I pushed her away = She was not wanted.

What was actually true was that she was feeling dysregulated and did not know how to express it. She was having a human experience, responding to her emotions and the energy that comes with those emotions as they moved through her body. 

That is all that was occurring.  Nothing else.

I, on the other hand, was feeling resistance, fear, and a  lack of control leading me to make up all sorts of stories about what was occurring.

Also perfectly ok. I, too, am human and had not yet learned to navigate my own sh*! when things got out of control.

The simple truth is I had to learn how to shift my inner temper tantrum before I could address hers.  

Duh.

In those earlier parenting years, I was much more focused on her behavior than I was mine.

Here are a few things that were true back then: 

• • • • I was older and had learned how to “control” my tantrums better.
      • I had more practice at denying, ignoring, and resisting my feelings than she did.
      • I was far less emotionally intelligent.
      • I was very very unconscious.
      • I cared way more about what other people thought than she did.
      • She was far more emotionally intelligent than me.

In the end, my desire to control was actually the problem, not her tantrum.

What is also true is that I hadn’t learned how to hold space for my own inner tantrums so how on earth could I hold space for hers?

It became painfully obvious that I had to change myself first if I wanted her to change her behavior.

When I eventually learned to put my attention on myself, things slowly started to shift.

And all it took was one simple question: 

Where am I?

• • • • with my thoughts
      • with my feelings
      • with my behaviors

This one simple question helps me identify when I am caught up in reacting to my kids from my fear-based conditioned self versus my unconditionally loving curious self.

And to be honest, more times than not I find that I am unconsciously reacting from fear, as are most of us most of the time.

Do you know how to tell when you’re reacting from fear?

Today, when my kids lose it (given we have 9 kids between us, someone is losing it pretty much all of the time) I do two things:

1) Pause and check in with myself

2) Ask myself: Where am I?

 If you want to raise a 22-year-old who knows HOW to effectively navigate their inevitable temper tantrums – you must model for them and teach them how at two years old by being aware of how we react to them.

When we plant seeds of awareness in our little ones they grow to be thriving, successful, emotionally intelligent & self-aware adults.

Now that’s a gift worth giving this holiday season!

To build your reactivity ‘awareness’ muscle grab my free Check-in mediation (access it HERE) to get yourself started.

I know you’ve got this and I’ve got your back! All it takes is one breath and one day at a time.

Hang in there. 

 Remember it is not about parenting perfectly, it’s about parenting authenticity.

With love,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher