How my husband’s affair woke me up, literally & figuratively. 

October 31, 2021

It was 1 am. 

I was six weeks pregnant with our third child when I woke with a startle and heard myself think: My marriage is in big trouble. 

My husband was away on a business trip and in that moment, I knew with every cell in my body that something was very wrong. I couldn’t be sure, but at the same time, I was sure that at that moment he was having an affair. 

My entire body seized up and I felt as if I’d been hit with 1000 volts of electricity. I immediately went into a deep state of fear, anxiety, and control followed by intense resistance.  

I was in survival mode. In my mind, everything was at risk—our marriage, our family, our future & the life I imagined for us all. 

It would be six long and arduous years before finally surrendering to a “dissolution of our marriage”. During that time, I pushed against everything that was happening; and together with my husband, co-created an incredible amount of drama, resulting in a ton of additional and unnecessary pain and suffering for myself, him, and our 3 kids.

Ending my marriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the exact opposite of what I wanted and imagined for our lives. 

There is no way I could have known then that this ‘horrible’ thing – that I had myself feeling so “at the effect of”-  was the very gift I needed to usher me along my own awakening.

Have you ever felt deceived by someone you loved and trusted?

Today, after doing ‘my work’, I am deeply grateful for him and the mess that occurred between us back then. 

I see my struggles, and the stories I make up about them, much more clearly now. Through this experience, I have learned invaluable lessons that have opened my eyes and my heart. 

I’ve long since stopped seeing him as the ‘bad guy. Instead of seeing him as a villain, I see him as my trusted ally.

Who is the villain in your story?

The single most important and empowering lesson –  that I did NOT learn growing up or all my years in school –  is the simple idea that there are two ways to react to life:

1. Behind door number one is: Fear, Control, Resistance, Disempowerment

2. Behind door number two is: Trust, Surrender, Presence, Unconditional Love

Back then, I chose door number one; and as a result, co-created a mess for myself, my then husband, and of course our kids.

Let me be clear. My choice back then makes perfect sense to me. Of course, I was afraid! I was pregnant and had a 2 yo and 4 yo old in tow. I was terrified to be a divorced single mom.

However, at the time, I thought that my marriage falling apart was a problem for me to fix. I could not see it for the invitation it really was.

Back then, I saw myself (and my kids) as a victim of all the ‘bad’ things that were happening “to” me and “to” us.  

I was angry, scared, confused, and completely disempowered. My life was not happening as I had planned it dammit and I had no flipping idea how to navigate the mess my life had become. I felt completely out of control.  

• • • I put my attention on my ex’s affair and focused on trying to get him to “wake up”.
    • I put my attention on trying to keep my kids from suffering.
    • I put my attention everywhere else but myself.

Where do you put your attention when you feel like life is not going as planned?

That was 18 years ago this month. They say hindsight is 20/20.

What I began to learn back then was how powerful fear can be and what a mess we human beings can make when we let fear lead the way.

I have learned all the ways my big and little fears hold me back and create drama in my life.

The more awake I became, the more empowered I felt in my life.

Since then, I’ve learned how to recognize all the ways I was unconsciously choosing fear over trust in my life. My learning began when I started to pay particular attention to how choosing fear was impacting my parenting and my relationship with my kids.

I could see how my fears were often the root of conflict, disconnection, and drama. I could also see how my fears robbed me of my curiosity, creativity, trust, playfulness, aliveness, and ability to authentically connect with the most important people in my life.

Once I could see how much my life was led by my unconscious fears and the mess they would make, there was no looking back. I became devoted to shifting those fear-based patterns but I had no idea how to do that.  

For years I set out to learn what I was never taught growing up. I found many spiritual teachers, mentors, healers, and leaders who shared the wisdom that has led me to my truth.

We learn a lot of things in school and at home growing up, but NO ONE teaches us the most important tools we need to be a HUMAN.

As parents, we are teachers, role models, influencers, and mentors to our kids. 

Through my long and painful experience, I have become clear on what is most important in my role as a parent.

Of all the life skills I want to teach my children, I am most interested in teaching them to be radically self-aware, authentic human beings –  so they could be free from fear and grow into self-empowered human beings living the highest expression of themselves.

I want them to know that being afraid is normal & ok; however, we don’t need to let FEAR lead the way. To this day, I still experience fear ALL the time. I am human after all. But the key is that I have simply learned not to let my fear decide for me anymore.

And I also know that I cannot teach them what I don’t know. So the buck starts and stops with me.

What I began to wake up to 18 years ago, is that perfection in parenting & personhood is NOT the goal – authenticity is. The more connected I became to myself, the more available I was to connect authentically with my kids and each and every person I care about.

I am incredibly grateful for my ex-husband’s affair and the catalyst it was for my awakening.  It forced me to face some of my biggest fears, open my heart and ultimately realize that in any given moment, no matter how difficult or painful, I am empowered and have the tools to thrive. 

I simply need to meet each experience with the fullness of my own presence. 

And I know you can too.

Will you let your parenting journey transform you and your family?

I sincerely hope so. Click here to schedule your FREE introductory coaching session and get the tools you need to thrive.

With gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher

PS: Coming in February 2022!!!  Behind the scenes I’ve been hard at work creating my latest online parenting course designed just for you and your family.I will teach you how to identify and shift the unconscious fears that interfere with the connection with your family that your heart desires. Stay tuned for more information in the coming weeks 😊