The hidden cost of conflict

September 20, 2026

Do you know what conflict is costing you as a mother?

My husband and I got into it last night. While I caught myself falling into the trap of ruminating, I could feel the overwhelm swell up.  I had a busy day ahead of me and spending my time repairing (or ruminating) was not on my to do list. I was reminded of how much psychic energy disconnection costs me in my time, creative flow and energy.

Mostly it costs me in connection. Since my mind is busy replaying the conversation over and over, I am not fully present with anyone else. And my body is bracing for safety, even if I am not aware of it.  My nervous system is hijacked in fight, flee, freeze, because connection is a basic human need and when it is threatened on any level, our body feels it.

So next time you have a fight with your spouse or your kids, pay attention to what it’s costing you. Your energy, your aliveness, and your creativity. 

Because those ⤴️ are actually your most valuable resources.

Most women, when they end up in conflict, become highly distracted. 

We humans don’t like to be disconnected from the people we love, and we start scrambling to control and change the conflict. 

What’s actually happening however, is that you’re wanting to control the feelings of discomfort that are occurring because of the disconnection. 

So your mind starts to go crazy — looking for solutions, looking for who said what and how you said what, and who’s right and who’s wrong.

Sound familiar?  I know it does!

Then you will do something. You’ll dance around something I call the drama triangle — in your mind, or in real time in the relationship. 

You can notice this by what you’re saying, the things you’re doing, and how you’re being, either in your head or with the other person.

This is how it costs you your creativity. 

Rather than putting your attention on the body, on the discomfort that’s happening there, your mind busy’s itself racing round and round in circles, ruminating, trying to prove you’re right, trying to prove they’re wrong, trying to figure out how to get out of this mess, trying to get the answer, trying to solve the perceived problem. 

And this blocks access to creative flow. 

What’s really happening is that you’re experiencing disconnection, which creates heartbreak. 

Humans thrive on connection. We don’t want to be disconnected from the people we love. So when we experience conflict, what we’re ultimately experiencing is heartbreak.

When you can get with that and start tending to the heartbreak within yourself — you will resolve conflict exponentially quicker.

That starts with self-awareness: the capacity to be with your own heartbreak, even as it shows up as real physical discomfort in the body. From there, it takes real courage to show up vulnerably in the relationship once again — to say, I’m scared. I miss you. I want to feel connected. I don’t like this. Really owning what’s actually going on underneath the conflict. That’s what it means to be consciously aware.

So the shift is to drop out of the head and into the body, into the heart, where the conflict is really happening. Then, once you create connection again — once you drop the barriers to the heart and stop trying to prove you’re right, which is really just armor protecting your heartbreak — then, and only then, when both people are open and heart-centered, are you able to discuss, resolve, and repair the conflict.

So when conflict happens, your only and most important job is to tend to your vulnerability, your broken heart, your fears — so you can open your heart again and become available for repair.

One way to tend to yourself in the moment: get still. Close your eyes. Breathe into your heart — filling your belly like a balloon on the inhale, imagining your heart expanding with it. Say to yourself: my heart can hold it all. 

That’s what love does when you let it.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher

PS. If you want to learn more about how to move from armor to open heart, in real time, that’s exactly what I teach inside my on demand masterclass, Transform Conflict to Connection. For $44 get the roadmap and tools you need in under an hour.