When ‘playing fair’ feels impossible in communication
October 12, 2024
Have you ever tried to have a calm, honest conversation with your partner, but it feels like you’re talking to a brick wall?
You bring something up and they shut down or walk away.
You push harder, hoping they’ll meet you halfway.
And somehow, the harder you try to connect, the further apart you feel.
It’s one of the most painful experiences in relationships: when you want to work through something, but the other person is simply shut down.
Instead, you end up in a cycle of frustration, silence, and disconnection.
A client I worked with recently described it perfectly.
“Every time I try to talk to him, he shuts down. He crosses his arms, gets quiet, and checks out. The quieter he gets, the more I push. Then he accuses me of nagging — and suddenly, we’re in the same fight all over again.”
She wasn’t angry at first. She was trying to reconnect.
But what she didn’t realize was that they were both caught in a protection loop.
He protected himself by retreating.
She protected herself by pursuing.
Both were in an unconscious fear loop pattern, but neither were aware of it.
When one person withdraws and the other pushes, what’s really happening has less to do with words and more to do with safety.
When your partner shuts down, it’s not necessarily because they don’t care.
It’s likely because their nervous system perceives danger.
And when you start pushing harder, it’s not because you’re controlling or dramatic, it’s because your nervous system is trying to restore safety through connection.
You’re both fighting for safety, just in opposite directions.
This realization alone can shift everything.
When I notice clients caught in this pattern, I invite them to pause and ask themselves one simple question:
“Where am I right now, open or closed?”
It’s such a powerful question when you truly understand it. {join my free live call to learn more}
Because in that moment, you move from an unconscious reaction to conscious awareness.
You remember that connection can’t happen when your heart is closed.
So instead of pushing to be heard, you relax into your body, you soften and trust the process.
You feel your feet on the floor.
You give yourself permission to not fix the moment, but instead come back to yourself.
And from that place of calm, connection becomes possible again.
What You Can Try
The next time you notice this pattern — one person shutting down, the other pushing harder — try this:
-
Pause the conversation.
Take a breath. Give both of you permission to step back before things spiral. -
Check your state.
Ask yourself, “Where am I right now—open or closed?” -
Model safety.
Speak from your experience instead of blame.
Try: “I notice I’m feeling reactive. I need a minute to come back when I’m calmer.”
This is leadership in love, the ability to stay grounded and invite reconnection without forcing it.
It’s not always the easier path and you may not be perfect at first, so be patient and kind with yourself as you navigate new territory.
Change takes time.
Why This Matters
When conversations feel one-sided, it’s easy to tell yourself, “It’s not fair.”
But remember, fairness isn’t the goal — connection is.
And the truth is, connection doesn’t require two perfect communicators.
It often begins with just one person willing to stay open.
If this dynamic sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
These “push and pull” moments happen in every relationship, but they can also become the very thing that brings you closer, when you know how to navigate them.
That’s exactly what I’ll be sharing in my next live conversation with my husband Kim:
🗓️ From Conflict to Connection: One Simple Question Can Change Everything
📅 Tuesday, October 21 | 12pm CT | Live on Zoom
We’ll show you how to:
- Recognize when protection takes over.
- Restore safety in yourself and the relationship.
- Use One Simple Question to return to openness and understanding.
👉 Save your complimentary spot here
Because the moment you choose awareness over protection, you open the door to true connection.
in trust and gratitude,
Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher
Annmarie has created a profound learning experience. She shares vulnerably and authenticity, and generously from her own life and her laser-sharp coaching creates an ideal learning environment. I would highly recommend Annmarie for anyone who wants to deepen your understanding of yourself and enhance your relationship with your kids and just about everyone else in your life.’
MEAGAN SMITH HRLE