The real cost of holding it all: why I couldn’t stay connected, even when I wanted to

August 3, 2025

Early this summer, my husband and I were in a really sweet spot.

We felt connected. At ease. Grounded in love and partnership. It was nice.

One of my kids even joked after dinner one night, “What happened to you guys?!”

I remember thinking—this is it. We’ve arrived.

We were thriving—not just as a couple, but individually too.

And then… summer arrived.

The house filled (which, by the way, we love).

My son moved back in between jobs. My daughter came home from NYC. We celebrated milestone birthdays, said goodbye to our beloved lake house, and launched into a renovation we didn’t quite plan for. Work demands picked up. Houseguests came and went. There was a funeral, and a few health scares.

Life kept life-ing.

And at first, I kept pace.

I was showing up for everyone the best I could, keeping things running, doing my best to ‘stay present.’

But slowly—quietly—I stopped showing up for me.

That’s when I noticed the shift.

It was subtle at first. Less tenderness. More tension.

I could feel my husband and I slipping out of sync, but I couldn’t quite stop it. It was familiar—and, honestly, it happens just about every summer.

Inevitably, the old patterns crept in.

We got a little snappy. A little more impatient. A little less forgiving.

We went from thriving… to barely surviving.

And here’s the real cost of “holding it all”:

When I ignore my own limits, I become less available—for me, and for us.

As a coach, I could see what was happening. We missed each other. We missed the sweetness and ease from just a few weeks earlier.

We were both depleted—and without the energy or capacity to find our way back.

Here’s what I’ve come to see more clearly: 

When we don’t know how to connect—when we’re spinning, stretched, or stuck—we often create a kind of faux connection that feels close but is actually rooted in fear. 

We snap, we nitpick, we overfunction or withdraw—not because we don’t love each other, but because we’re overwhelmed. 

Because when humans don’t know how to create real intimacy, we often create disconnection instead.

It looks like blame. Irritation. Snarky comments. Control gets mistaken for care. 

It’s what I call faux connection—a way to feel some form of connection. (Just look around—most people have been conditioned to connect through drama. Family gossip, reality TV… it’s what we know. It’s how we’ve been taught to feel close—even if it’s not love.)

The truth is: disconnection can feel safer than vulnerability when we’re exhausted or scared.

It’s perfectly human. It’s also costly. 

Because authentic connection requires true presence. 

Which starts with self-awareness—recognizing the signs, taking responsibility for your own experience, and choosing curiosity over control, compassion over criticism. It’s about shifting the frequency back to love.

This requires us to slow down, to tune in, to feel.
 

While it begins with self-awareness. It’s sustained by responsibility.
 

And it’s fueled by curiosity, compassion, and conscious choice.

If you’ve ever found yourself drifting from your partner—you’re not alone.

I see this in my work all the time. And I live it, too.

The good news? There’s a way back.
 

Even from disconnection. Even from conflict. Even when you’re tired, frustrated, or feeling worlds apart.

It starts with one simple question.

And on Thursday, August 21, for the first time ever, I’ve invited my husband to co-host a FREE live Zoom conversation where we’ll open up about exactly this kind of thing: how we navigate conflict and disconnection when life gets full—and how we use One Simple Question to find our way back to each other.

We’ll pull back the curtain on how we reconnect during chaotic seasons, and the tools that help us shift from drama and disconnection to peace and presence.

If that speaks to you, I’d love to have you join us.

>>>> Click here to register for free<<<<<<

And in the meantime, let me ask you: Do you know the signs that your relationship is about to slip into disconnection?

Remember true connection starts with self-awareness.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher