How I Fell Into the Trap of Fear and Control, Again

September 22, 2024

I did it again. 

I lost my temper and said the thing I can’t take back, hurt her feelings and I deeply regret it.

Has this ever happened to you?

It’s not the first time, and I suspect it will not be the last time I’ve fallen into this trap because this is what happens to me when I get afraid and feel out of control. It is my pattern.

When I get scared and feel out of control I have a reliable pattern that my ego convinces me will help get back to some sense of safety and control. Do you know your pattern?

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My body stiffens and I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I jump immediately into righteous anger. My mind looks for all the ways I can stop, change, or shift the situation to “right the wayward ship”. My anger sends me into my “dictator” persona that believes she can assert her control over others for good reason of course! This part of me, steamrolls any part of me that might bring patience, kindness, love, compassion, or reason. 

I lose myself. I cannot access my “right’ mind and then I say and do things that do not go well for me, cause disconnection in my relationships and drain my energy.

Instead of getting the result I want from my daughter, I am getting iced out. She won’t speak to me (rightfully so – I wouldn’t speak to me either) and I am now completely distracted by my judgmental thoughts and cannot fully enjoy my get-away weekend with my older daughter.

My mind is too preoccupied entertaining thoughts like:

• You idiot!  What were you thinking???

• I cannot believe you said that!

• You did the right thing, you are the ‘mother.’

• She has to understand and eventually see you are ‘right’

• What if she never talks to me again?? 

• She’s never going to forgive me, I ruined our relationship!

• I am going to cut off her phone use and take the car from her, if she doesn’t talk to me

And there I go again, getting back on the merry go round of fear and control. Because this is what happens when I feel out of control in life. I scramble to hold onto control the best way I know how. (PS: I learned this as a kid so it can be tricky to shift!)

The unfortunate truth is there is no such thing as control. 🤯 I know all I can do is let go and surrender. What I have come to learn is there are two ways of being, connected to my heart and disconnected from my heart. Empowered or disempowered.

If I were connected to my heart, rather than let my anger lead me into drama and disconnection, I would’ve instead paused, taken a few breaths, entered the space of unconditional love (where all my power lies) and I would’ve FELT my fear and sadness. Because under my controlling anger was deep fear and sadness.

But…. I didn’t really want to face all that at the moment, so instead, I lashed out attempting to control my daughter, so I could feel better and you got it, ‘in control’. Even though I know based on my experience that the answer is always to go in when I am triggered (I’ve learned this in my 20 years of training and in life). However, from time to time, because I am human, I still fall into the trap of the ego.

It turns out us humans are not perfect. 😉

In the aftermath of the hurricane I am left with a mess, draining me of my energy, my creativity, my joy and most importantly my connection to both my daughters.

I am left alone to feel the things I had been trying to avoid all along. My fear and sadness.

Seems like it woulda been more efficient if I would’ve started there.

Oh well, I am certain life will offer me a next time.

Until then.

How about you? What feelings might you be trying to control today? Do you know where you play it safe in your life and relationships?

If you are like me and addicted to playing it safe and are ready to learn how to shift your desire to control so you can feel more empowered and create more connection in your life and relationships, register today for my FREE Masterclass, where I will teach you One Simple Question to transform conflict into more connection.

Grab your spot and step into freedom now!

PS: It is my most favorite tool to teach and I cannot wait for you to learn all about it!

I’ll see you there!

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher