Ever Tell A Harmless Little Lie?

June 10, 2024

Do you ever tell a harmless lie or half truth to be nice?

Recently someone I love and trusted told me a “little lie.”

When I found out through the grapevine, I went through a whole series of reactions, starting with anger and landing in sadness and fear.

The content of the lie was actually relatively benign, yet I could not wrap my brain around the fact that this person didn’t tell me the truth.

I thought, “We are adults after all. Don’t they trust me to handle the truth?”

What I came to understand in the end was that, while I could handle the truth, this person could not.

Often we tell ourselves we are lying to ”save the other,” when in truth we are actually lying to save ourselves.

Hang in there with me. I promise you are not an awful person if you tell a little lie; you are just a human being trying to protect yourself! This is completely normal.

Here are a few reasons why you might find yourself wanting to tell that “white lie.” Take a look and be honest with yourself. Could this possibly be true for you?

“I don’t want to hurt their feelings!” – is – “I don’t want to deal with their reaction.”

“I don’t want to argue with them!” – is – “I don’t want to stand for my truth.”

“I don’t want them to be mad at me!” – is – “I don’t want to be uncomfortable.”

“I don’t want to be judged or criticized.” -is – “I want to control them and their opinion of me.”

So, when was the last time you told a harmless lie? 

Be curious and get honest with yourself. What were you really trying to control or avoid?

Funny thing is that telling a lie is, more often than not, about protecting yourself rather than protecting the other. (Eek, I know that doesn’t feel good to hear and your ego might resist that one.)

But don’t despair, this is a normal human behavior that we all fall into when we worry about a potential unpleasant outcome. Of course we are going to try to control that. This is not a problem.

The desire to control your experience is normal, but not always in your best interest and often only provides temporary relief.

The truth is whenever you are trying to control an outcome, you are not in your true power and there is a cost to be aware of when you tell a lie, whether you get caught or not..

Lack of trust (I don’t trust you or I can handle said truth)

Decreased intimacy (I don’t want you to fully see me)

Diminished connection (There is something in the way of true connection)

Energetic drain (it takes energy to withhold)

Creating codependent patterns (I need you to be ok so I am ok)

To be truly sovereign, empowered, and free, you must build your capacity to speak authentically (which also means kindly) while honoring the other’s experience.

It’s a lot like juggling.

This means being able to hold your truth and discomfort with speaking it while receiving the reaction from the person you are sharing your truth with.

For example you may want to decline an invitation that is important to someone you love. You know how important it is to them that you go, but you really can’t get to a yes for yourself.

You might find yourself postponing the rsvp or looking for excuses for why you can’t make it or even pretending to not feel well, or complaining that you are just too busy!

Do any of these sound familiar? (They do to me! I’ve tried all of these at some point or another.)

Instead, telling your truth means facing the part of you that feels bad, guilty, or ashamed and scared to face the person you will disappoint while also allowing space for their reaction without caving or collapsing.

This is not easy!!!  And this is a learned skill.

As a mother, it is so important to learn to hold space for all the unexpected truths that will arise simultaneously. 

And it is a learned skill – that us human beings have not been taught.

And I know you are big enough to hold it all.

I am here to help you remember.

in trust and gratitude,

Annmarie Chereso
Author, Speaker, Coach, & Meditation Teacher